My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
