I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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