Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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