she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
