My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
