just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
