I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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