I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
