the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
