WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
