Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
