i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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