matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
