omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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