Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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