Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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