I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
