so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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