In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
