highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
