spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
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