Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
