Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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