Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
