dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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