She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize