Sober January is a disaster.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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