FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Your topless pictures make me question reality
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
