You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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