You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
