We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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