If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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