Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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