If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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