I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
