I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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