Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
