I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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