I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
