just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
