I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
