Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
