My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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