i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
