Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
