I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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