i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
