A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
