You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
