idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
