i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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