How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
