Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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