My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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