Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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