I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
