why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize