I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
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You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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