GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
