someone threw a dead crab at me
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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